Change has enveloped 2019 for me. Facing depression has been constant but today I am living in the sunshine. Habitually I’ve been reciting bible scriptures before I begin to pray in the morning. Whatever bible verse comes to my head I say it out loud. After I’ve exhausted my memory of verses I begin to pray. Since practicing this action less negative thoughts have evaded my mind. I am now prone to quickly dismiss a lie or harmful thought because the foundation of my day is set on God’s truths. I am not dwelling on the things that could go wrong. I am not even trying to find a solution to these things. I have a thought, recognize it’s harmful effects on me and I choose to dismiss it. Most of the time I say out loud ‘no we’re not going to think about that’. Hearing a voice even if it’s my own gets me out of my rabbit hole of an imagination. I’ve even been able to overcome some insecurities. I’ve been telling my self how pretty I am. I haven’t consistently worn makeup in years as a way to embrace my face but, I’ve been so unkind and judgmental toward myself, seemingly recreating the bullying I encountered as a child and a young adult. Slowly I started looking at myself in the mirror declaring ‘you’re so pretty’. It only took me a few seconds do to then I’d turn off the bathroom light and proceed with my day. Soon I would catch glimpses of myself in my car window and I was surprised when I began liking what I saw. ‘You’re so pretty’ became ‘oh my gosh you’re gorgeous Janelle.’ Now it takes a few more seconds to compliment myself because I have more affirming things to say. I have specific details on my face that I love. My eyes are gorgeous. They are deep brown encased in an almond shaped frame. My dimples have depth. Whether I’m smiling or smirking they have the ability to change shape and make a statement of their own. At 31 I’m better at understanding my hair and how to care for it myself. I’ve been forced to tackle the ‘problem’ that is my hair because it began falling out. Alopecia is a blessing in disguise. As much as I hope and pray no more of my hair leaves my head I am grateful that I can treat this part of my body with the respect and love it deserves. By understanding my hair I understand myself better. Coming to accept my hair means I am accepting myself. My hair is not a problem. The beauty of my hair is not hard or angry or scary looking. It doesn’t need heat to unleash culturally accepted conformity. You only have to take the time to see what it needs in order for it to grow and shine. For years I wore long curly sew ins. Amazingly I was craving something I already possessed. My hair is naturally voluminous. It is naturally curly. Understanding my hair is a process but I am worth it. No longer will I let society dictate my creation. No longer will I allow others opinions to sway my judgment about who I am and how I operate in this world. As much as I’d like to think I won’t be discriminated against for my natural hair on job interviews I know it’s a possibility. The change of alopecia has afforded me independence and control. I take more courage in life because I courageously accept me. Long Live the CROWN Act
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Luke 12:7 NIV
“Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.”
Song of Songs 7:5 NIV
“His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven.”
Song of Songs 5:11 NIV