Watching adults have sex through porn was an amazing experience for me as a little girl. I concluded that for the first time in my life what I saw were two adults enjoying each other. The relationships I witnessed within my family were couples constantly arguing with each other. The relationship I had with peers were of me as the bullied and them as the bullies. I felt safe and comfortable only by myself while sitting in front of the television being entertained by cartoons, teen/adult angst and porn. I still feel comfortable in these settings. Porn displays a connection between two people that I yearn for. I’ve wanted an intimate friendly connection since being an adolescent and this desire has further fueled my addiction to porn and physical pleasure. I’m insecure in front of others and feel more relaxed in the presence of my own company. Since connecting so deeply with myself and a screen I’ve found it awkward and difficult to maintain relationships with others. I experience social anxiety and possess controlling behaviors. Subconsciously I’m trying to control my surroundings and other people in order to create a safe, accepting, gentle environment for myself. Most often these characteristics have ended with me being by myself and labeled judgmental and serious. Porn gave me hope. Unfortunately I’ve been thinking about marriage since 11, when I started watching porn, and 20 years later I'm closer but not at the alter. Sex is beautiful, having it with others who aren’t committed to me through marriage or having it by myself doesn’t fill the void of companionship, partnership, marriage, love, and intimacy. I didn’t know how much sex and porn would be a part of my life when i first saw it. I hope to overcome this, I can’t do it alone. It takes a daily conscious effort. I need Jesus’ power and spirit.
“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17 NIV
